Soon be Christmas haha
I already have 4 presents, don't laugh i have lol
So what are we up to, well not a lot really :-\, Andy
is on a job, returning today after a week away. David
is working long hours too. Michael is here there and
everywhere with his strong network of friends. Charlotte
has finally got herself into a decent morning routine
since the Christmas break. She is mildly autistic and
its takes her a while to adjust to change.
Stefan is refusing to go to school, and i am phoning his
support centre on Monday to see what can be done.
In-between times he is home annoying the little ones, and
eating anything that doesn't move fast enough grrr
Lewis and Holly are great, getting into mischief but if
you cant do that when you are 4 and 3 when can you???
They are having their photos taken tommorrow at the local
studios. I've never had proffesional ones done of the two
of them together, so i hope the results are ok. I plan
to bribe them if all else fails lol
The rest is pretty deep *Alert*
I didnt quite know where to write this, i thought about the
forums i belong to, or Facebook, but here seemed as good
as place as any!
I am still struggling with my decision to stop trying for
another baby. I keep telling myself its the right thing
to do, after all i have 7, whom i feel VERY blessed to have,
but i still feel as if my family isn't complete. If only that
'feeling' would go away i would be ok.
At the moment i feel useless as a human being, its all I've
ever done, have and care for babies, i feel redundant, like
i have no worth any more. I know Holly is only 3, but she is
so independent, its like she's a lot older (she goes to the
toilet alone, she makes her own sandwiches and drinks ect.
I am dreading September, Lewis will be at full time school,
Holly at nursery and I'll be at home alone for the first time.
The last time i had that situation i was working, but who's
going to employ a 44 year old with no experience, especially
in today's financial climate?
I used to love my forums, but now all the emphasis is on those
who are either already pregnant or on who are still trying,
which is only right and proper but its like my opinion doesn't
count any more, I've even had the case where everyone else has
received an answer except me and this has only been since I made
my decision.
Perhaps i should find alternative forums, ones that focus on
children of a similar age to mine.
Sorry if this is offending anyone, i had to get it out or I'd
have burst!!
Boy that feels better :-)
Any one ever felt like this? did that yearning ever go away?
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9 comments:
Helene so many hugs hun!!! I know all to well what you mean.
Helene, I'm excited to see the pictures when they come out of your kiddos. What are you going to bribe them with? LOL. I'm sure they will turn out very cute!
I am also dealing with "accepting" and not ttc anymore. It's very very hard. It's like putting something in your face daily, that you know you can't have. I find that I feel like I have less to offer. Or at least my zeal for it is much less. And I too, feel like my family is not all there.
Now, that said, I know a beautiful thing is going to happen for me gradually. I will find the things I can get "behind," and go with gusto. For me, I think teaching Owen is part of that. It has offered many Mom groups. But, also, learning how to can food, and get better products for my family foodwise. Thinking about other dreams I have, like someday getting into a house, or painting, using my talents. Spending my time on how to bring my extended family together, when possible. These things have really given me encouragement.
You, my dear, have such flair at entertaining, and reaching out to your own children's friends. You are gifted at creative home projects. What other talents have been on the back burner? I know there are probably many.
I know anything said will not solve this for you. But, know that this is a "season," and it will not last forever. It's just an uncomfortable transition. Best wishes for the rainbows about to freshen and delight you in life.
Janet
You know Helene, I have been a stay at home mum for most of Adrian's life and finding something to do other than that was scary. I found things to do and did bits of work here and there but nothing permanent or nothing I really had to commit to like a part time position or full time position. I don't have a lot of advice to give except putting pressure on yourself doesn't seem to work. Go easy, some exploring into things you might like to do might help.
At one stage, I had a 7 hour a week job, looking after a quadraplegic. It was real easy on me and my anxiety, a nice way to get my foot in the door and pay for the weekly groceries. I felt like I was making a contribution in our household so I felt better about myself.
Perhaps a little volunteer work to begin with. A worthwhile use of your time and a chance to get out there in the adult world.
Sorry to carry on but I really feel I can identify with you. xx
Thanks guys :-)
Veronica, I feel for you even more hun! I can sort of expect my infertility with my age ect, but it must be so frustrating knowing that your other health issues are letting you down :-( Its so nice to have you around to bounce off though, you've been a great support to me :-)
'Maisy', Its lovely to hear how you have coped with the same situation, really inspires me!
And yep, i'm sure there are lots i could do, i just need to shake of this baby fever first, and that's going to take time i guess :-/
Thank you for your answer {{hugs}}
'Rchie', Thanks hun, and perhaps your right, i do feel like there is nothing else i can do, where in reality i should be seeing this as a time for freedom to go off and do what 'I' want. But its hard when all ive ever known is raising children. I have worked, after Charlotte i worked as a classroom assistant for adults with learning difficulties, also voluntarily at the local primary school, that i would enjoy, i know.
Time to broaden my horizons i guess, i know i am going to go simply gaga, if i'm in the house alone, (yeah even more than normal lol) Thanks for your input *insert flower here :-)*
I deleted my update on the photo shoot from here and added it instead to my blog!
I just stumbled on your blog, but I wanted to tell you that this post resonated deep within me. We decided to stop having children four years ago, something I regret. Every day I have to deal with the emotions of it, constantly handing it over to God. Nobody seems to understand what I feel, so it was nice to read your honesty here.
Thanks
Bobbie-Jo, Hugs hun, I'm glad that in some way my entry may have helped you. I am not religious and i don't want to get into any controversy here, but too many of my friends have left 'having more children' in the hands of God, nothing has happened and they have become more and more resentful and depressed with each month that goes by.
Was it a joint decision? Just to give you a bit of background, i was sterilised after baby #5 after parent pressure, but after 8 years i still longed for another so i took matters into my own hands and had a reversal, thank fully it worked and i now have my two precious children Lewis and Holly.
I think what i'm trying to say is that sometimes if you want something so badly you have to go against others and be proactive in getting it medically.
My age is my stumbling block now, i can do nothing about that, and although i am sad and i'm having to find a 'new life' i have no regrets to live with.
Hope that hasn't offended you in any way. {{Hugs}}
Helene, I just got here and read this. I completely understand your feelings. I think J's post was wonderful-it is a season, not a permanent part of who you are.
I think part of the difficulty of letting go of the dream is because it's SO final and SO permanent. Once your fertility is done, unless you are rich, that's it...it feels like being forced into a decision by your body and your age, rather than coming to it gradually and the way you would wat to, know what I mean?
I hope you find acceptance in your heart and things that you want to do with your life above and beyond motherhood. You have so many gifts to share, those in your life are very lucky.
P.S. I hope by forums letting you down that you don't mean PSB. ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))
No Lisa, it wasn't the PSB lol, I am still posting there regularly :-)
Its the one place where I know my opinion will be accepted for what it is, and I ALWAYS receive feedback!
Thank you for your input, you are so right about it being the forced decision, that is making it so hard!!
I'll get there, I know I will, its just this transition period. You'd think it would help having Holly, but all i think all day is.... awww that's the last time i will see one of mine do this, or say that ect
And because i know she is my last I'm afraid i am spoiling both Lewis and Holly and i always said I wouldn't do that grrrrr.
Anyway
Thanks again {hug}
x
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